Dear Friends

Just before the end of the year, I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan

I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. I can’t even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

By the way….a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late. HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS & GREAT NEW YEAR.

Me, about a week ago: Let’s not get wedding rings!
Dan: Cool!
Me: You could get me an iPhone instead…
Dan: *gives me one of those looks*

Dan, a few days ago: We could get tattoos instead of wedding rings…
Me: *suddenly remembers the pain of getting a tattoo*

Me, this morning while I’m cleaning my teeth: I want a wedding ring! I want a diamond!
Dan, in the shower: That is the complete opposite of what you said last week! *shakes his head and pulls his hair out*

It’s so much fun being female and indecisive between wanting something sparkly and wanting to buck society’s traditions. FUN FUN FUN!

I absolutely love the idea of sitting down every December and writing cards to all my nearest and dearest. Of getting my good glittery pens out, thinking of little messages to write and licking each envelope and whacking a stamp on the front.

But I haven’t done cards properly since I moved out of home.

I was thinking over the weekend about how at work we don’t send Christmas cards, but instead just pop a message on the last newsletter of the year and donate the equivalent funds to a local charity. And then it hit me: I could do the same for us! It saves time, we can do our bit for Mother Nature and make a donation to help someone/s less fortunate than we are.

So I fired up Photoshop last night and threw something together and have just finished emailing it around to virtually everyone on my email list. And I’ve decided to buy a goat for a poverty-stricken African community through Oxfam Unwrapped.

I wonder if I’m offending anyone by doing it this way instead of the proper way?